There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten puns, in hope that atleast one of the puns would win. Unfortunetly, no pun in ten did.
This duck walks into a drugstore and says, " Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.”
“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Three people are flying on an airplane. There is an American soldier, a pickle vender and a football player. The American soldier throws a grenade out the window. The pickle vender throws a pickle jar out the window, and the football player throws a football out the window. They forget.
When they land, the football player sees a kid crying and asks what they are crying for and the kid says "My kitty got hit in the head with a football and died!"
Later, the pickle vender sees a kid crying also and asks what they are crying for. The kid says his hamster got killed by a falling pickle jar. The next day, the American soldier sees a kid that is laughing hard and asks what he is laughing at. The kid replies,"Yestarday, my daddy farted and the building behind him blew up!"
There are three girls. The first, Rose, asks why her name is Rose. Her father replies,"Because when you were born, a rose fell an your head." The next daughter, Clover, asks the same question and the father replies," Because a clover fell on your head when you were born, a clover fell on your head." The third daughter, the stupid one, asks the same question. Her father just replies,"Shut up Brick!"
A man is driving on the highway. His wife calls him to inform him about a crazy maniac driving the wrong way. The man replies "There's thousands of maniacs, not just one!"